U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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