If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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