i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
