Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
