he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
