and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
