I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
