I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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