"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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