Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
