you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
