so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
