I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
