Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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