I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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