party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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