Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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