Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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