so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
