His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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