my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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