Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
accomplished twins. life is a go
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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