i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I've blown a few things in my day
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
