The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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