i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
No subtext here. People are naked.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
