You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm getting married
To pizza
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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