i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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