she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
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my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
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He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once