Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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