worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
