i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
