i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
