Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
