Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
