Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
