I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
