I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
