I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
