there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
