Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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