At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
