Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
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I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
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I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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