wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
