Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
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He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
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Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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