Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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