i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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