i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Randomize
