why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
