When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
