Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
