I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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