nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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