Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
