I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize