Swine flu. Run for my life!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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