I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
