I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Randomize
