Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
